Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69 (2008) Starring Tatyana Kot, Jonathan Brown & Wayne Chang Directed by Keith J. Crocker Written by Keith J. Crocker & Keith Matturro

“Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69” reminded me of nothing as much as it reminded me of a vintage Jess Franco movie. For the uninitiated, Jess Franco was a Spanish director working all over Europe beginning in the 1960s, making literally hundreds of movies, mostly horror or exploitation. To some people, Jess Franco is the king of exploitation, to others he is a wretched hack. The latter reputation is due to the fact that Franco would make a film for no money at the drop of a hat and would bypass plot, acting, and coherence to ensure that his film was delivered on time and that it contained at least 80 minutes of usable footage.

But at least Franco usually delivered the goods. By this, I mean copious full frontal nudity, torture, a general tone of indifference to humanity and even hardcore sex inserts. Franco is best known for his Women in Prison movies, but he made his share of Nazisploitation films back in the golden era of Hitler porn, the mid to late 1970s.

“Blitzkrieg” was obviously made on a fairly low budget, since it features mostly non-actors and plywood sets, but unlike a typical Franco movie, it does not give the impression it was cranked out in three days. In fact, “Blitzkrieg” has a lot going for it, not the least of which is a willingness to deliver the goods in the gore, nudity, and sex departments. “Blitzkrieg” reminds me of Franco’s better efforts, when he was given time, a decent budget, and was engaged in his subject matter.

Disclaimer: There is nothing more politically incorrect than the notion of trying to entertain people by offering scenes of Nazis gleefully cutting the nipples off nubile, naked concentration camp prisoners. Nazisploitation may be a bridge too far for some viewers. However, if you are like me, and you think political correctness is a refuge for intellectually inadequate cowards and you can put the necessary distance between silly, inartful sleaze movies and Schindler’s List, then proceed.

Written and helmed by Keith J. Crocker, “Blitzkrieg” unfolds in flashback, as the fugitive Commandant Schultz is tracked down in South America by hot, blonde female Israeli commandos. He shoots his way out and flees to a nearby church, where he begins confessing his sins to a priest.

Once a gay, low-level Nazi nobody, Schultz finds his niche as Commandant of Stalag 69, a prisoner of war camp featuring an improbable mix of American G.I. Joes, Russian G.I. Ivans, captured American USO showgirls and sexy Russian babes. Schultz, along with his sister, a demented doctor, commences a program of torture and dismemberment on their helpless charges. Of course, all of the tortures involve full frontal nudity, sex, or a combination of both. Eventually the prisoners revolt and take bloody revenge on their captors.

Along the way, we are treated to electrocution, girl on girl action, castration, soft-core sex, nipple slicing, eye gouging, bamboo slivers under fingernails and lots more I can’t recall. In other words, everything you would expect from a vintage Nazisploitation film.

While “Blitzkrieg” doesn’t have a dominating presence a la Dyanne Thorne (of the Ilsa movies), it does feature the lovely Tatyana Kot as a Russian partisan who, along with being naked through most of the movie, carries all the scenes she is in with a believable rage at her captors. A flashback scene showing her slaughtering a company of German soldiers wearing nothing more than a pair of army boots is the highlight of the movie for me. That scene is preceded by one where Tatyana seduces a German soldier in a bathtub with an ending taken from the notorious “I Spit on Your Grave.“ A handful of the other actors are obvious professionals as well, which helps amidst the many non-actors with unconvincing accents.

On a technical level, the uniforms and weapons are surprisingly accurate and well rendered. Maybe only WW2 buffs would notice, but it’s the sort of attention to detail that someone like Jess Franco would have glossed over. The makeup effects are decent as well, allowing the director to linger over a number of gruesome shock moments.

The one real objection I have to this movie is the numerous scenes featuring attempts at serious drama. Characters ponder, “what’s it all about?” and “can men ever live in peace?” Please! If you’re going to make a Nazisploitation movie, you have either keep your tongue firmly in cheek or just ladle out the nasty bits without remorse or pause. “Blitzkrieg” has a running time of just over 2 hours, so trimming these distracting scenes would leave a more consistent and enjoyable movie.

Director Crocker has expressed admiration for the spectacularly incompetent grind house filmmaker Andy Milligan, who is a really bad role model for even the lowest budget auteur. Before he was a movie director, Milligan produced avant-garde off-off-off Broadway plays and he filled his unwatchable movies with interminable scenes of self-important dialog and not nearly enough sex. Keith, listen to me, I know you are a serious fan of classic exploitation, please switch your guru to Jess Franco and next time out, replace the dialog with some hardcore sex or one more disembowelment.

Despite it’s obvious budgetary limitations, “Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69” manages to deliver a worthy Nazisploitation film, featuring just what you want in this type of film - if you are a depraved degenerate with no regard for the PC dictates of decent society.

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