If these bands were somehow magically transformed into movies, they would be the Bikini Bloodbath series. This is no way an insult to the movies, or the bands for that matter. Sure, the entire series is subpar in every way: the acting, writing, lighting, film (video) quality and sound all suck, but goddamn are they entertaining. These are kind of movies that suck, know they suck, and revel in the suck. In other words, they're my kind of movies.

It would be tempting to say that the movies are exactly the same, but that just isn't true. The first movie is about high school kids being stalked and killed by a murderous chef and the second is about former high school kids being stalked and killed by a resurrected murderous chef. Huge difference. But, they do have six-fucking-teen cast members in common. Yes, I counted.

Bikini Bloodbath (2006) Starring Leah Ford, Debbie Rochon & Robert Cosgrove Jr. Directed by Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour Written by Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour

If you've ever seen a slasher movie before, you should be familiar this tired old whore of a plot: It's the last day of school and all the popular kids are having a party to celebrate. Horror of horrors, a psychopath has shown up to slaughter them all. All the stereotypes are present and accounted for: the pretty popular girl, the outcast loser who's actually pretty fucking hot, the creepy red-herring neighbor, the lesbian gym coach, the closeted gay jocks and the unstoppable killer. Honestly, this plays out pretty much like a straight up, poorly executed rip-off of Slumber Party Massacre, minus the pretentious Rita May Brown feminist overtones and the black chick. Slumber Party Massacre had a black chick.

First off, the girls: I have to say that the quality of the ladies in this movie varies frighteningly. At the top of the heap is our star and hero, Jenny, played by the uber-hot Leah Ford. While not hot in the everyday silicone way, she's got an Eastern European Met-Art sort of thing going on that I love. Also, she gives us boobs in the opening scene which is always a great way to start any movie.

At the other end of the hotness spectrum is Katie Gil, the actress that plays Portia. I'm not going to say that she's unattractive, but I will say that I think I saw her at a Faster Pussycat show in 1989 and I think she was wearing the same outfit and had the same hairstyle. And while I'm on the subject of girls, Sheri Bomb, the girl who played the loser Smelly Suzie, can run around my house in booty shorts any day of the week. Yowza! We also get our token post-gym class shower scene with lots of girls soaping each other up. A personal favorite.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the youngest of these 'high school' girls was mid-twenties, and that some of them were old enough to make Beverly Hills, 90210 look realistic in comparison. On the outside I'll say that the oldest was probably around 35. Just a guess. It makes me wonder if someone actually cast this movie or if the people involved just called their friends.

The thing that saves this movie is that at times it is really quite funny. Like I said, overall the girls aren't the hottest and the video looks like shit, but there are some truly funny moments in this cinematic sack of crap. First and foremost I just want to say that whoever White Liger is, they're awesome. They do the soundtrack and bring us lyrical pearls of wisdom like:

Overall, this movie sucks. But it knows it sucks and it wallows in its own, well, lack of everything. They even use the same throat-slit prosthetic over and over again for God's sake. It's a no-budget movie that knows it's a no-budget movie and has fun with it, and that makes it perfect for lovers of crappy no-budget movies like me.

As entertaining as this movie was, it was nothing compared to...

Bikini Bloodbath Carwash (2008) Starring Rachael Robbins, Debbie Rochon & Natalie Laspina Directed by Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour Written by Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour

Most everyone from the first movie is back, except this time around they're playing different roles, going to college and are working at 'The Bikini Wax and Wash' car wash. Oh, and the killer, Chef Death, is a reanimated corpse. No explanation is given as to how or why he came back from the dead, but in a movie like this, does it really matter? The smoking hot actress who played Jenny in the first movie has been replaced by Rachael Robbins, who, while not as smoking hot, is still pretty hot and has bigger boobs. Debbie Rochon is back playing the same flannel wearing, Uncle Bad-Touching lesbian, even though she was cleavered to death in the first movie. It would seem she's given up letching over the underage hotties in her gym class to letch over the of-age hotties working for her bikini car wash. The gay jocks are also back but this time around they're mostly playing foreign break dancers. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense to me either, but it does make for one of the best dance scenes ever filmed, complete with music that can best be described as a cross between Depeche Mode and Roxette, but with all of the cool sucked out. Yes, I just said Depeche Mode and Roxette are cool. It's a joke, they both suck.

Earlier I mentioned that the girls were hotter in this movie. While this is true, I should add a qualifier to that statement. Overall, the girls are hotter, but there are more of them this time around. There are one or two who are far more unattractive than any of the girls in the first movie, but on a whole, when you average out their overall attractiveness, the second movie wins hands down. Except for Peaches. Who the fuck cast that girl? I feel bad even using the word girl because that chick has got to be at least 35. But she's not a total waste, because of her we get the line, "What have you done with your hair? It's so much more pubic than I recall." This line being uttered by Professor Zartan. It seems that the community college everyone attends is staffed entirely by members of GI Joe. Shipwreck, Zartan, Community College Commander, Destro, Lady J, Scarlet, they're all there. And while i"m on the subject of Scarlet, what the fuck is up with her hair? Was that done on purpose or is she just plain fucking crazy. Either way it's awesome. I'd also like to mention that the fat chick, Sharon, played by Natalie Laspina (topless to the left), is the hottest chick in the movie.
Seriously, what the fuck is up with her hair?

I'm going to wrap it up here because this shit is going on for way too long. The second movie is better, take my word for it. Beyond the hotter chicks, you get one thrilling rollercoaster ride of a knife fight, better special effects (particularly a nasty and fairly well done nipple removal scene), funnier dialog (how often do you get to hear the phrase 'you ham-fisted cunt'), one truly creepy scene ("I'm not a boy, I'm a little girl." Wow, I'm glad I wasn't on acid), another Nazi themed restaurant (this time called 'Luftwaffle House') and three completely awesome and obviously professionally choreographed dance scenes. Honestly, it's fucking brilliant. My only complaint, if I had to make one, would be that there's not enough skin in this one. More boobs would have been greatly appreciated. But honestly, when are they not.

If you're a connoisseur of shitty cinema like myself, these movies are for you, particularly the sequel. If you're not, avoid them like ball cancer. I love them, but everyone thinks I have shitty taste in movies so take it for what it's worth. Honestly, I can't wait until the third one, Bikini Bloodbath Christmas, comes out. Until then, I'll leave you with this bit of timeless wisdom from Coach Johnson,

"Bring some motherfucking tapioca pudding, bitches."

Indeed, Coach Johnson. Indeed.