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Ah, spring is in the air and summer will be here before we know it. It's the season for amorous pursuits. Pheromones are at their peak, leaving some of us on the prowl and in the mood for love.
Why should we have all the fun? Psychos and the rejects of society need love too. After a day of slicing, dicing and terrorizing all a psycho really wants to do is curl up on the couch and cuddle. Hey, all bloodlust and no play makes for a dull love life.
So, what's a nutbag to do? Write a personal ad and let the good times roll, of course!
See if you can match the movie maniacs to their personal ads.
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1. "Come On Baby, Light My Campfire"
This quiet and shy guy is looking for a special someone to spend the cold winter nights under the stars with. I'm extremely busy in the summers but come fall and winter I'm all yours! My future ladylove must like rustic living and wooded areas. I love to camp but I'm not too crazy about campers. I'm into playing dead, suddenly appearing behind people and machete tossing. Also, "teenage population management" is a cause that is very close to my heart.
I want to find someone who is into the inner workings of a person rather than looks, conversation and personal hygiene. I usually wear a mask, well; I do until a pesky survivor rips it off of me. Teenagers need not apply.
Can you help me pitch my tent?
2. "Am I Your Dreamweaver?"
Hey, let's face it, I could climb into your dreams and have my way with you but I would much rather have you get off on my wit and intelligence in the flesh. I want you to be wide-awake so you can take in everything I have to offer. Although, if you have a history of narcolepsy, I wouldn't kick you out of bed. Was in the revenge game for awhile but am getting older and would like to settle down. I'm definitely a night person. I love to hold hands but it would need to be my left one so a right-handed babe would be best. No druggies (ESPECIALLY Alert, No Doz, Stay Awake and Vivarin) and no smokers, as anything having to do with fire really turns me off.
So, let's lay down a blanket on cloud nine, shall we? You bring the wine and cheese. I'll bring the knives!
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3. "Mr. Sandman Is About To Bring YOU A Dream"
Are you into someone with a personality, who can carry on a conversation and is witty? Well,
then I'm sorry to be wasting your time, move on to the next ad.
If you are still reading then that is a really good sign! No armchair psychiatrists please; I've had enough
of that. I mean, I killed my sister, murdered several others and I broke out of a Sanitarium after years of
absolutely no progress. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I can't be reached. I have a thing for
babysitters. I also appear to be indestructible. I seem to always have a grudge or score to settle. This can
get lonely but, please, don't try talking to me. I'll only tilt my head at you like a retarded puppy. But, as you already know, you don't need to talk to have a good time.
So, what size jumpsuit do you wear?
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4. "Are You Ready For A Chainsaw Massa-CARE?"
I'm a bit of a recluse. Not much of a get-up-and-out-there kind of guy. I'm on the heavy side body-type wise but that just means there is more of me to love. Please, and I can't stress this enough, NO vegans. I'm looking for a girl who likes to eat and who doesn't ask a whole lot of questions about WHAT she is eating. A girl who is OK with just knowing it's "some kind of meat product" would be ideal. I love to cook but I am more interested in the prepping of the food. I think of myself as an amateur meat cutter of sorts. Smokers OK. The girl of my dreams must not mind loud noises and must like arts and crafts. I myself enjoy sewing masks! I come from a somewhat eccentric family but that only keeps things more interesting. I would love for you to meet them, especially grandpa. I am ready to cut the apron strings though; do you hold the scissors?
Weight is not an issue for me, the heavier the better. I just love a girl with some meat on her bones.
5. "I'm Going To Put Your Heart Back Together"
Have you been hurt? I'm sorry to hear that but pain IS pleasure when you really think about it. No tears though, It's a waste of good suffering. I'm not what you would call human. A Cenobite to be exact, but when the lights are off we are all the same, know what I mean? I was born and raised in "another realm" but I come back to your world frequently for business. I travel with three other people but you won't even notice them as we respect each others boundaries. I have an affinity for chains, hooks and nails and my dream girl should too. Are you a demon to some and an angel to others? Well, damn girl, I am too.
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This is a puzzle you don't have to figure out.
6. "If I like You....You Can Live"
Look, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you dumb bitches. The guys in these
ads aren't even human. Sure, I'm a misogynistic asshole who hangs out with a gang
of psycho convicts but at least I can carry on a conversation. I don't wear a mask, I don't
wear a jumpsuit, I don't have sharp objects on my fingers, I haven't been horribly burned. My
dream girl isn't into romance, dinner and dancing, OK?. She is into long car rides in the trunk
of my car, being bound and gagged and forced to pee on herself. A high tolerance for pain and
humiliation is a bonus.
Oh, and I hate parents so don't even think about introducing me to yours.
7. "Does Your Tree Need Trimming?"
Me: I'm an unknown brooding loner with a sketchy past. You: A sorority girl with no plans for Christmas. I'm not going to lie; I am seriously looking for someone to jingle my bells. I LOVE Christmas and have been known to paint the town red during this most festive time of the year. We could meet in person but I would prefer to just talk on the phone at first. My dream girl won't get freaked out when I describe what I would like to do to her or when she finds out my calls are coming from inside her house. I have been called "The Moaner" and have been accused of making dirty phone calls in the past but my soul mate won't mind that, will you?
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So, give me a try. I have a lot of nice things to stuff in your stocking.
8. "Let The Games Begin!
You don't know me, but I know you. I want to play a game. There will be only one winner. You. I want you to make a choice. There's a slow-acting poison coursing through your system, which only I have the antidote for. The antidote? A date with me. There is only one key to open my heart. Don't worry, it's not in the stomach of a dead person. Look around sweetheart. Know that I'm not lying. Better hurry up. Love or loneliness, make your choice.
I could go on about me but there are so many twists and turns that you would most likely get frustrated, causing you to lose interest in my story. Anyhoo, give me a call. Oh, no fatties.
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 janet
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© 2009 BthroughZ
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