Hot Blood Sundae (2008)
Starring Bobbi Billard, Akira Lane & Richard Van Vleet
Directed by John Darbonne
Written by Derek Zemrak

 

Okay, the above synopsis isn't exactly the plot of HBS, but it's pretty damn close. Here's what's actually going on: Ricky, a wannabe lothario and sadly pathetic restauranteur, fed-up with his failing business, decides to open the first Adults Only ice cream parlor, fittingly named Scoopettes. Luckily for him, his staff, (aside from his shrew wife and quite possibly retarded assistant) are either all ex-strippers or chicks with enough emotional baggage and self-esteem issues to qualify as ex-strippers. Essentially, they're all dead inside. Unfortunately for Ricky, once his business is up and running and the cash is pouring in, someone in a really badly done clown costume starts killing off his strippers, oops sorry, waitresses. And there's your plot, such as it is.

This movie was sent to me because of the review I wrote for the Bikini Bloodbath series, and while similar in many ways (boobs, blood, and low budget), there is one huge difference that I'll refer to as the BSD Conundrum or the Brownlie Stripper/Dork Conundrum. Here's what this means: Take a group of girls similar to the girls in Bikini Bloodbath (normal and approachable, yet very attractive girls) and put them in a sexual/naughty situation. The outcome is somewhere between funny and hot. The reason for this is twofold: The first reason being that the girls from BB are normal girls who aren't used to acting like sex toys and therefore come across as cute and kind of dorky. The second reason is that they don't carry the aberrant genetic mutation that most strippers develop after spending years living in depression while blowing strangers for coke. Now take a group of girls similar to the girls in HBS (fake boobs and aloof attitudes, yet attractive in a sex industry sort of way) and put them in a similar sexual/naughty situation. The outcome in this scenario, while still hot if you like the whole stripper look and vibe, is completely different. These girls do this for a living and therefore don't project the dorky/self-conscious vibe I love.

Now don't misinterpret the above paragraph as me saying the girls in HBS aren't hot or do-able, because they definitely are. I've actually been a fan of star Bobbi Billard since her days as Summer in the Women of Wrestling professional wrestling league. I don't mind girls with a bit of meat on them and let me tell you, Bobbi is one solid woman. 36DD solid. More than once I found myself thinking, "Sweet Jesus, look at her tits!", which is always a good thing in any movie. Always. Akira Lane is hot as always, because honestly, when isn't a naked Asian chick hot? I never really bothered to figure out or remember the other girls names. There's the skinny chick who tried to act all self-conscious about her body even though she was wearing skintight jeans, booty shorts underwear and a cropped tank top. I found her interesting because she reminded me of the kind of chick you'd see in a thumbnail gallery for trailer park porn. It's not that she's unattractive, it's just that, looking in her eyes, you could tell she was probably bad-touched by an uncle at some point in her childhood, and maybe has a meth problem. The only other chick I specifically remember is the one with European accent. That's all I can tell you about her, she has a European accent which may or may not have been faked. Oh, and she had the kind of fake boobs that look like two softballs bolted to her chest.

The male leads in the movie consist of Ricky, who comes across as a poor man's Jack Nicholson. Actually, that's kind of an insult to all the poor man's Jack Nicholson's across the world. Let's say he's more of a cirrhosis support group's Jack Nicholson. Who's suffering from DTs. Then there's the crazy homeless guy with emo hair. Take a good look emo kids, because if you keep going down the road you're on, you too will end up masturbating in ice cream shops. Lastly, is Wesley, the assistant. I think he was supposed to be retarded, but he mostly comes across as Jim Carrey channeling the spirit of Christian Slater, which mostly comes across as retarded. Good job Wesley, you succeeded in your role.

Please don't think I'm just shitting on this movie, because at points I was definitely entertained. Aside from the hot chicks, the movie has a great soundtrack (featuring amongst others, the motherfuckin Dwarves) plus some well put together scenes. My favorite being a scene which juxtaposed Ricky and his blow-up doll, a chick being brutally murdered in a pool of blood, heavy metal/industrial music and it all ends with the previously mentioned chick being dragged away by her feet through said pool of blood. A very interesting scene indeed. Production wise I'd definitely have to put this on par with, if not above, most the movies Troma has been putting out for the last few years. At points it definitely had the Troma feel to it. There were, however, several almost music video parts that I found sort of distracting, as well as times where it almost felt like a Playboy video shoot. But aside from these few problems, I think this is a film any Troma fan or fan of boobs and trash cinema would definitely love, and I'm curious to see the next movie these people work on.

In closing I'd like to take this time to ask the writer and director one question: Why the fuck didn't they just leave the store when everyone started getting killed? Seriously, it's just like fucking Poltergeist.