Colonel Kill Motherfuckers (2008)
Starring Joshitsuo Montoya, Kevin Strange
& Erik A. Williams
Written by Joshitsuo Montoya & Kevin Strange
Directed by Kevin Strange
This little baby traveled a long, long way to me. All the way from across 'the pond' no less. Having briefly checked out Hack Movies, I immediately warmed to their selection of B-movie horror tack-fests. The order of the day: cheap, cheerful and over the top gross out, low budget films. Colonel Kill Motherfuckers, written and directed by Kevin Strange, is a Troma-esque meets John Waters journey into depravity, set to a heavy metal soundtrack.
It tells the story of a mysterious Colonel, or as one character succinctly puts it, "that G.I. Joe motherfucker", who wreaks a trail of bloody destruction on some heavily parodied, annoying American nerds/jocks/sex obsessed losers after they mistakenly kill him and leave him for dead in some nearby woodland. Resurrected, the shocks come thick and fast; entrails are slashed out of bodies, faeces are eaten, and faces are pulled off and stuffed into the victims mouths. Oh and then there's my favourite scene, when two role playing nerds masturbate to...erm...the good old National Geographic (cue copious amounts of spunk spurting out left, right and center)! I was also enlightened into the meaning behind the phrase 'salad tossing.' Yes, seriously.
There are plenty of homages to horror throughout. The Colonel's 'mother' is reminiscent of 'Psycho' and he/she inhabits a room with just a touch of 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' to the decor (a few skulls and bones, y'know the usual). One actor even sports a natty 'Evil Dead ' t-shirt. I want one! The passion is certainly there, but the subject matter and excessive, repetitive dialogue does start to wear a little thin, making the relatively short feature (clocking in at under 90 minutes) feel a lot longer than it really is. The geeky in-jokes start off as amusing (Do troll ninjas really exist?) and remind me of some people I know. But again, they are so drawn out it becomes too much.
If you want some no-brainer, puerile fun (pee jokes and all) look no further. If you've not had a few drinks or 'funny cigarettes' beforehand you might want to refrain. This is a well meaning but silly addition to the horror/slasher genre.
Oh and before I sign off: Hack Movies, I'm loving your pre-movie ditty. Singing about 'bitches' and the like, that alone gets the thumbs up from me. Hell yeah!
Happy Halloween!
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sophia