Simon Says (2006) Starring Crispin Glover, Margo Harshman, Blake Lively, Greg Cipes, Artie Baxter & Kelly Vitz Written & Directed by William Dear

With Stanley being the slightly more normal brother, Simon, as you would guess from the film's title, is the odd ball of the siblings. Strange and obviously a little slow are not obstacles when it comes to Simon's desires, and when he meets the group of good looking kids, he instantly takes a liking to one of the girls. Unfortunately for the teens, Simon has a funny way of showing his affection, which is by stalking and killing them all until he has his woman all to himself.

Simon Says, is what I would like to call "clichéd cinema," and I would expect no less from a cheap and completely ridiculous modern Slasher film. Teens out in the woods for party purposes, only to find themselves in peril, has been done more times than Jenna Jamison. Thanks to a couple of slightly anal rapey town hicks, there's even a firm warning, followed by a horror story about an awful death that occurred in the woods where the teens plan to focus on bible studies and promise rings.

Of course, our terrible teens would have to follow suit when it comes to fulfilling the average Slasher quota for stereotypes. You get the slut, the stoner, the ain't-no-fun/ain't-fucking-no-one girl, the cool guy, and his almost as cool but tired of his bullshit, girlfriend. This is a motley crew of truly abysmal characters, and as with any pairing of these stereotypes, I cannot help but wonder why the hell any of them hang out with one another?

Okay, I can see the stoner duder, who, while wearing a pair of yellow capri pants and having a voice similar to that of a 9-year-old boy that decided to play Hungry Hungry Hippos with his underdeveloped balls, at least attributes to the party in some way. I mean, he does bring pot with him, and he might have a few funny lines strewn throughout. Plus he drove, which scores him major pot-brownie points.

Even the slutty girl, who has no sort of personality and will try and steal your man, is good for a hander, so at least she can serve some sort of purpose for some lucky guy who lacks the fear of STDs. But man, who the fuck invited the prudish girl? She's hot, but she isn't going to bone, party, or do anything but suck the life force right out of all the joy to be had with her too good for fun 'tude.

Anyways, I am so far off base now, but I think the point is made as to how uncreative Simon Says is as a film story and character wise. Even the direction by William Dear is completely unoriginal as well as totally terrible and very reminiscent of substandard 90's straight to video horror. However, there is one draw that this movie has, and that draw is the characters of Simon and Stanley as played brilliantly by...Crispin Glover?! Okay, so Glover has a solid career and is someone that I enjoy as an actor, but why would he be in a low rent and completely awful Slasher film? Isn't he better than that??

Glover is known to be a bit of an odd duck and incredibly eccentric, but I personally like my actors to be a little off kilter. I think it is that slight amount of insanity that inspired him to play this dual role in Simon Says, a role where he knows he can do whatever the hell he wants without question from the filmmakers. And oh boy, does he. To say that he is over the top would be an understatement, and he eats the screen and all of the other actors right up with it, he chews scenery so badly. It's amazing. His insanely bad and overtly accentuated Cajun accent must be heard to be appreciated and he does it with such conviction to top it off.

This is watching Crispin Glover just go to town while having fun doing it, he takes full advantage of this film to just go completely nuts, and who's to stop him? You know his name alone doubles the rentals and sales of this film, and Glover's outlandish performance can only serve as even more reason to recommend others check out the movie to witness the wildness. Him going bonkers only ensures more people see this film. It's why I watched it.

With Glover's bizarre portrayal comes what his character(s) bring to the screen in terms of balls out entertainment. Simon, the killer with a crush, has many a great moment as he stomps puppies, knocks out a few bad puns (he must say "You Forgot to Say...Simon Says!" like 17 times!) and even runs around in a Ghillie suit like he is out to catch a predator. Being a Slasher serial killer, Simon needs a weapon, and his weapon of choice is a pickaxe. Oddly, he must have thousands of pickaxes, as he has booby traps set up all over the woods, ready to launch hundreds of the double pointed death instruments into a victims back.

Thankfully, there are a handful of creative and enjoyable deaths at the sharp ends of these pickaxes as well as by the hands of Simon himself. Even though there are only five teens to be antagonized, the woods where Simon does his slaying are the most popular and busiest woods I have ever seen in a film. *SPOILER* Like it really matters. Simon kills one girl, then immediately he is interrupted by a handful of paintball players, all of whom Simon disperses of by painting the woods with their blood. Then, almost right after the paintball bashing, he runs into another group of campers, all of whom he makes into lunch meat! Seriously, is this hopping spot the type of place for a serial killer to work? I guess it gives him lots to work with.

Anyways, there is enough bloody action to keep the film full of giggles and out of the seen it all before gutter, however, I did get a little bored with the movie towards the end when things get intimate and the killing slows. Luckily for Simon Says, Crispin Glover and his portrayal are cracked enough to lift this out of the depths of shitty, looks like a low-budget 90's film with it's lack of talent behind the camera. The acting is bad, the direction is bad, the film is bad, but it's oh so worth a viewing of Simon Says for Glover's performance alone.