BtZ20: 20 Questions with J.L. Bourne

Born in Arkansas (which we won't hold against him), Mr. Bourne is an active duty Naval officer and a fan 90's gangster rap which culminates in his love of both the water and shooting things. Although he is a man who could easily kick my ass, he comes across as intelligent and well spoken, which is at odds with my belief that anyone who could beat me in a one on one fight should be on the same mental level as Richard Kiel's character in Pale Rider. Sadly, as I said, he is not. He is, however, very friendly because even though the folks at his publishing house (Permuted Press) warned me that he rarely does interviews, he responded promptly to my poorly written emails and agreed to answer my 20 ridiculous Questions.

Before I let you get to the questions, I just wanted to say one thing in all seriousness: J.L. Bourne and his brothers and sisters-in-arms risk their lives daily in their fight to preserve the freedoms and liberties of this great country. I say this as someone who wasn't born in America but as someone who chooses to live here in the belief that this in the greatest country in the world. For this I give him and them my most heart-felt thanks.

Okay, back to the boobs, blood and poop jokes we all love. Below are his 20 Questions. Enjoy!

I have no doubt that Ms. Lauper would be victorious over Madonna in their primes. Lauper is still feral; you can see it in her eyes. Now if we throw Lady Gaga into the mix, I'd say Gaga could wreck them both. Somebody call their agents. I'm going to start writing that reality show right now.

2. Would you rather be stuck in a long term survival situation (think zombie uprising or shipwrecked on a desert island) with Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan?

I'm gonna have to go with Paris Hilton because she seems to be in better physical shape and not overtly addicted to drugs. I don't want to deal with Lohan, too much drama for the apocalypse.

3. Regardless of our modern proliferation of knowledge and the ability to access said knowledge, do you feel that society on a whole is getting stupider?

No, society isn't trending downward due to technology. We are just shifting the way we process data. Does it really make us dumber because we don't go to a physical card catalog in a library and find a book based on the Dewey Decimal System? Embrace the tech. What's killing us is the trend I see of current generations counting their chickens before they are hatched. Debt, debt and more debt. This is causing second and third order effects that could eventually push us into a Road Warrior type depression. No, that was not a joke. Get your mohawks and motorcycles ready.

Yes, they are. If we don't do something to shift our paradigm when it comes to debt, energy, personal responsibility and zombies, we are screwed.

5. You have agreed to take part in an isolation exercise. For the next six months you will be locked in an enclosed room with no outside interaction, whether in person or electronically. All of your basic needs are met, and as a means of keeping your mind occupied you are given the option of one of these three choices:

200 books without question. I can't think of 20 DVDs that I'd want and I don't watch a lot of television. With books you can escape the world your in and it forces you to use your own imagination to do it. I remember hearing stories in the military (my current profession) where prisoners of war in Vietnam played whole golf games in their minds while in the prison camps. In a situation of isolation, you must keep the mind sharp.

6. The dead have risen and you are trapped in a room with only one door and no windows. Outside the door are twenty slow, shambling zombies. You are armed with only a police riot shield and a hatchet and the door is narrow enough to only allow one zombie through at a time. Could you kill all the zombies and escape or would your endurance fail and you'd be overwhelmed?

I'd like to think that I could swing a hatchet twenty times without my endurance failing. I do run or hike about fifteen miles a week and lift weights. I think I could handle it. The only Black Swan to this scenario is if during one of the swings a creature scratches my hand or fingers. Can I get some gloves for this?

7. What do you find more depressing, that reputable (at least in the minds of most of America) news agencies cover the trials and tribulations of young starlets or that there are children in America going to bed hungry every night?

The mainstream media (MSM) is fucked (and they deserve it). They can't present honest reporting because it doesn't sell advertising. By passing off shitty news the past twenty years they have become a joke in the minds of those that actually study the facts and read alternative media sources. Everybody with a brain and the ability to use Google knows that the unemployment rate is hovering around 22% and that we are actually in a depression. Bad news does not sell. That being said, I'll take the side of the children any day. It's an abomination that children go hungry in the United States and we (as a country) waste money like it's cool. The MSM will not adapt so they will die (I said that in my Star Wars Emperor voice).

8. FMK (fuck, marry, kill): Megan Fox, Christina Hendricks and Scarlett Johansson.

M, M, M. Why not? They have more money than I do. I can't come out behind on this deal! In all seriousness, I don't know who two of the three are, so I just made it easy on myself.

9. Go here and watch this video: CLICK CLICK
Do you blame the parents or a lack of perceived role models?

I think that is ridiculous, but those kids are not hurting anyone or breaking any laws, so what is the problem? The Constitution protects free speech and expression. I'd like to add that if I ever have kids, you will not see them acting like dogs.

Like Chuck Norris, I do the breaking. Just kidding. I honestly don't remember.

11. Would you rather have a loaded (geared towards off-roading and hunting) civilian Hummer or a state of the art, ridiculously fast sports car?

Sports car. I hate Hummer trucks. If I'm going to get 10 miles per gallon, might as well do it in an Italian sports car.

Inception. It was epic.

13. Who or what was on the screen the last time you watched the news and had an overwhelming urge to punch someone in the face?

This happens every month. Every time the Bureau of Labor and Statistics (ministry of information) puts out more lies about the true state of the economy. It also happens every time I turn on a MSM channel. I recently saw a story in the news about a SWAT team raiding a home over an ounce of Marijuana. Don't elite militarized police units have better things to worry about? Besides, what is more dangerous to the neighborhood, some guy with an ounce of Marijuana or a squad of storm troopers with MP-5 machine guns kicking in a door? I have never used drugs but I personally don't give a damn what a person does in their home and neither should the government. Why don't we decriminalize and tax Marijuana so we can put all these SWAT teams out of business?

14. Who do you think has a worse image in the media: Christians, Jews, the military or Muslims?

Muslim extremists hands down (notice I said extremists). Why? You don't often see Christians, Jews or military folks strapping on a bomb vest and intentionally blowing up a crowd of innocent civilians. None of my military friends have ever driven a vehicle Born Improvised Explosive Device (VBIED) into a crowded place and detonated it. There was the Fort Hood incident but that was a military Muslim extremist. These attacks were all Muslim extremists for the most part. Not hating on anyone or any group, just calling it how I see it. When I start seeing Christians, Jews or military guys behaving like this as frequently as Muslim extremists, I'll change my answer.

15. Would you rather have one leg six inches shorter than the other or your eyes two inches further apart?

Eyes two inches further apart. I hear it helps with depth perception.

16. What do you think would be more draining on the soul: to be married to an incredibly ugly, yet very pleasant woman or married to an extraordinarily stupid, but amazingly attractive woman? Keep in mind that as an active duty naval officer, you wouldn't have to see her in person all that often.

It would be more draining on the soul to be married to the ugly woman. Granted I'd be gone a lot with the job, but the first thing I want to see post-deployment shouldn't remind me of a zombie.

17. You are in charge of an aircraft carrier. Your superiors order you (for study purposes) to bring radioactive, fast zombies onboard. Do you obey the order?

Nope. Not gonna do it. Can't end well. Too bad they didn't listen to me in Day by Day Armageddon.

Night of the Zombies. It was horrible. Anytime you have stock footage of African wildlife in your zombie movie, you know you are in for it. It was around 1984 and I was single digits in age. I highly recommend that you do not watch this movie.

19. Should everyone own a gun? If so, how much ammunition should they keep on hand?

Yes. Everyone that is legally able should own a firearm and receive training on how to use it and store it securely. As far as ammunition goes, the more the better. The U.S. Dollar isn't getting any stronger in the long term so purchasing ammunition at today's prices will put you ahead of the game.

20. Are you ready for when the shit hits the fan? Because, eventually, it's going to.

No one is truly ready for when things go "Road Warrior." I'd like to think I could survive in that scenario but it's the little things like the common cold or an infected blister that can kill you in a post-apocalyptic world. Stay in shape, stock up on food, water and medical supplies. When those needs are met, see question #19.