I caught up with Mr. Barlow recently at a horror convention where he was shopping for the out-of-print DVD of 'SALEM'S LOT. He graciously took some time to answer some questions.

Jonathan Stryker: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us.
Kurt Barlow: Sure. (Inhales cigarette) How long is this gonna take?

JS: (Pausing) Well, that depends on you.
KB: Well, I gotta get back to my coffin soon, ya know? I can only be out in daylight for about ninety minutes a day.

JS: I was going to ask you about that! Ninety minutes? I thought that you had to avoid daylight altogether.
KB: It used to be like that at first, now it's...forget it, let's get to the questions. Shoot!

JS: What brings you out here?
KB: I aready toldja, the SALEM'S LOT DVD.

JS: Did you find a copy?
KB: No, I should have bought it when I saw it at Rock and Shock a few years back. But, of course, I didn't! Guess I'll have to go to Ebay. Geoffrey Lewis was there, too. At Rock and Shock, I mean. It was great to see him again.

JS: What was James Mason like?
KB: He was boring! Jeez, all he talked about was this chick, Lolita, and how much he wanted her and all. One day we were shooting this scene that got cut - it's a scene where I'm on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper, and I couldn't get the toilet paper in my hand, and James walks in on me and says in that annoyingly droll and stuffy voice of his, "My dear Mr. Barlow, do you need help running through your ablutions as well?" I guess that no one believed that a vampire would be caught dead on the toilet, so the scene was cut. Maybe it'll show up in a director's cut on Blu-Ray. I really wanted to drive a stake through him!

JS: All righty then, where were you born and where did you grow up?
KB: (Pauses a moment) Oh, how predictable! (Farts) I was born in Hackensack, NJ. (Pauses and drags on cigarette) For Chrissakes, where the hell do you think I was born? Didn't you read 'SALEM'S LOT?

JS: Well, yeah, but I read it in 1983, and...
KB: (Shifts) Oh, okay I get it. So in other words, since you didn't do your due diligence and read up on me, I have to...

JS: I didn't even know that you were going to be here today. I wasn't prepared.
KB: That's no excuse, baby!

JS: Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the coffin today...
KB: Hey, I'm cranky, aright? I mean, I've been holed up in the same goddamned coffin for centuries, you know? I have back problems and my ass stinks, aright? Jeez.

JS: Thanks for that tidbit.
KB: (Sarcastically) Anytime.

JS: Can't you get a new coffin? One that's padded and comfy?
KB: From where? Zappos.com? Who the hell sells them to the general public?

JS: Maybe Harriet Carter has a sale on them.
KB: Jesus. (Inhales cigarette) Thanks for reminding me, I bought a nose-hair clipper from them that broke and I have to send it back. (Farts) Sorry. Damned roast beef sandwiches. (Leaning in ominously) By the way, what the hell kind of a name is "Jonathan Stryker" anyway? What, did you steal it from Jonathan Harker and Richard Straker, put them together and just misspell it, thinking that no one would notice? Hmm?

JS: It's a long, boring story, but no.
KB: I don't know why I just asked you that, cause I don't really care, ya know?

JS: Out of all the vampire films that have been made, which one is your favorite?
KB: LEMORA, A CHILD'S TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL.

JS: Really?
KB: Sure! It's the one title that you wouldn't expect me to say, so there.

JS: Do you own the DVD?
KB: (Sarcastically) No, I own the laserdisc. Of course I own the DVD!! They unearthed the original negative for that one!

JS: Oh, were you big into laserdiscs when they were out?
KB: Yeah, for a while. But they were too f***ing big to store in my coffin and I couldn't really handle them. Plus, I would always get pissed when I tried to use one as a mirror when shaving, but when I would look there was nothing there. What are you gonna do? NOSFERATU ain't bad, either. The black-and-white version! Hell, I even liked Herzog's version which, I think, got a bum rap at times.

JS: Are you a fan of TRUE BLOOD?
KB: Oh, man, are you kidding? I'm a fan of Sookie Stackhouse's ass. Holy Christ, I want to wear it as a hat! My, God - that thing drives me bat-shit crazy! And who's that other one, that Daphne from season two? She's the cat's pajamas! I wanna do bad things with her!!

JS: Being centuries-old hasn't seemed to diminish your libido.
KB: Hell, no! (Imitating R.P. McMurphy from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST) "The next woman takes me on's gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in gold dollars!"

JS: (laughs) Actually, I think the line was about silver dollars, Mr. McMurphy.
KB: Well, yeah, but silver is deadly to a vampire...

JS: Oh, right...wait, I thought that was werewolves...
KB: (Puffs cigarette) Hey, are you gonna split hairs with me?

JS: I wouldn't think of it! What do you miss from living in the centuries past?
KB: Not having to use a goddamned Blackberry. Christ, what a pain in the ass it is to try and type on this thing!! Who designed it, anyway, Tom Motherf****ing Thumb? Shee-zus! Have you ever tried to look at porn on a Blackberry?

JS: No.
KB: Smart man! (Imitating Fredo from THE GODFATHER) "I'm smaat!" It sucks, trying sit on the toilet with one hand on the Blackberry and my other hand on...

JS: Aright, all right. (Laughs) How did you get to look the way you do?
KB: I was raped by a Cossack. (Pauses) I was bitten by a vampire! Duh!

JS: No, I know, but...
KB: (In mock disgust) Come on, now!

JS: Have you seen LET THE RIGHT ONE IN and LET ME IN?
KB: Yeah, except people gave me weird looks at the theater. Nosy bastards. And what's with the goddammned calling while you're watching a movie? Huh? Okay, let me spend almost twenty bucks on two tickets so I can call other people while I'm watching a movie. What the f*** is that? People are unbelievably stupid. It's like those dopes who cross the street without looking and they've got the goddamned earbuds on, oblivious to everything around them. Jeez.

JS: (Sighing)
KB: Sorry. I'm old, you know? Old and tired. Both of those movies were really good, the vampire ones you just asked me about. We never really know why she's a vampire, and I liked that. I like it when movies don't feel compelled to explain everything.

JS: What was the first horror film...
KB: Look, I hate to cut this short, but I gotta get back to the coffin, ya know? Otherwise I'm going to look like that guy bald who burns up in BLUE SUNSHINE, and that would suck, no pun intended.

JS: Can I get a photo with you?
KB: I don't know. I mean, I don't know if I'll show up in the image, ya know? We can give it a shot, though. Knock yourself out!